Sunday, August 16, 2009

Now I can send messages via my phone (like texts) and they show up on my blog! Ahhhh technology!

Watching Anxiety Disorders on A&E -

As I watch these episodes, I no longer feel ashamed of my tears, anger outburts or even my nervous breakdowns...

If expressing these emotions prevents hoarding, anxiety attacks, OCD (to name a few)...then I embrace them with every piece of my being 8 /

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Random Thoughts at 1 AM -

When I am in a relationship, I always wonder how the man will be in "certain" situations. I imagine our life together as moments. How will he be if I marry him? What kind of father will he be? Will he be kind and attentive when I am pregnant? How will he interact with my friends, etc....

Sometimes, when we lose a man or end a relationship these images never manifest into anything real so you are left wondering....

To the ex that just called me from the hospital room where the woman (who BTW he cheated on me with) is having a baby...I am no longer left wondering....

Ahhh I could be her 8 /

Friday, August 14, 2009

My Nervous Breakdown -

So this week, I think around Monday, I had a complete nervous breakdown. COMPLETE! Almost all of my female friends are obsessed with three things: weight, men and marriage. I guess men and marriage can be seen under the same umbrella but they are still very different. It's like, I have friends that date crappy men and complain about them all the time (I find myself in and out of this category often) and then I have friends that are freaking out, scared of never finding Mr. Right and getting married. The constant barrage of conversations that are always about these topics forced me into a feminist rant that unfortunately concluded around midnight.

At the end of all the trauma I realized that the people, well women, around me are definetly taking a toll on who I am. Don't get me wrong, my newly found love for war paint (makeup) and wigs was definetly something that I can't blame solely on anyone else, but I am beginning to see the real Jamila disappear. The afro rocking, no makeup wearing, feminist soul sister that I was before moving back to Chicago. I am letting my surrounding impact who I am and I need to get that in check. So in order to avoid my pattern of long, over thought out blogs I'll end it here. Just one last note, I am desperately seeking that old Jamila and hope that I can pull myself away from all this madness long enough to find her -