Now I can send messages via my phone (like texts) and they show up on my blog! Ahhhh technology!

Watching Anxiety Disorders on A&E -

As I watch these episodes, I no longer feel ashamed of my tears, anger outburts or even my nervous breakdowns...

If expressing these emotions prevents hoarding, anxiety attacks, OCD (to name a few)...then I embrace them with every piece of my being 8 /

Random Thoughts at 1 AM -

When I am in a relationship, I always wonder how the man will be in "certain" situations. I imagine our life together as moments. How will he be if I marry him? What kind of father will he be? Will he be kind and attentive when I am pregnant? How will he interact with my friends, etc....

Sometimes, when we lose a man or end a relationship these images never manifest into anything real so you are left wondering....

To the ex that just called me from the hospital room where the woman (who BTW he cheated on me with) is having a baby...I am no longer left wondering....

Ahhh I could be her 8 /

My Nervous Breakdown -

So this week, I think around Monday, I had a complete nervous breakdown. COMPLETE! Almost all of my female friends are obsessed with three things: weight, men and marriage. I guess men and marriage can be seen under the same umbrella but they are still very different. It's like, I have friends that date crappy men and complain about them all the time (I find myself in and out of this category often) and then I have friends that are freaking out, scared of never finding Mr. Right and getting married. The constant barrage of conversations that are always about these topics forced me into a feminist rant that unfortunately concluded around midnight.

At the end of all the trauma I realized that the people, well women, around me are definetly taking a toll on who I am. Don't get me wrong, my newly found love for war paint (makeup) and wigs was definetly something that I can't blame solely on anyone else, but I am beginning to see the real Jamila disappear. The afro rocking, no makeup wearing, feminist soul sister that I was before moving back to Chicago. I am letting my surrounding impact who I am and I need to get that in check. So in order to avoid my pattern of long, over thought out blogs I'll end it here. Just one last note, I am desperately seeking that old Jamila and hope that I can pull myself away from all this madness long enough to find her -

Choosing the Perfect Mate....

I believe that everyone has their preferences in men. Short, tall, dark skin, light skin, long hair, locks, big feet, small feet! The list can literally GO ON FOREVER! When you really think about it, women can be the most selective, picky people on this planet when it comes to their mates!
Now, I cannot assume that I know what your preferences are but I definitely know mine. Lets see, I think these might be my must haves: spiritual, righteous, educated (either by life or school), kind, not even an inkling of jealousy, and a hard worker. Now physically, I love: Dark skin, accents, locs, and most importantly a low key dresser that is not afraid to rock a mean pair of pumas! LOL! Ok, so my list pretty much removes at least 70% of the eligible men in America but I cannot pretend that those aren't the traits that I look for in a man.
As I get older, I am beginning to realize the importance of not allowing my likes and/or dislikes to cloud me from actually embracing a decent brother! Oh yes, did I add - I have a very strong inclination towards Black men.
Either way, I don't want what I prefer to block me from meeting a really nice guy that may or may not fit my criteria. However, it is extremely difficult to even notice guys that fall outside of what I want. I mean, men in suits make my stomach turn! I know it is a signifier that they are probably employed and hardworking, but I just see uptight, narrow minded and most importantly a party pooper!
I am beginning to wonder how many of you might fall into this same trap. This idea of the perfect mate. The man with the nice body, nice job, perfect family! Does he really exist? Are we as women missing out on meeting our perfect mate because we can't get over these superficial preferences. Hmmmm....I wonder?!?!?

More Reflections on Love and Life....

So yesterday was the first day of my Women's Bible Study. I am so excited about this new female only space that I think I might be giddy!?!? LOL! We are studying a book entitled "Lies Women Believe" - there are definitely some breakthroughs on the horizon!

I truly am enthralled by the opportunity to really explore who I am as a woman with a group of older (or should I say seasoned) Christian women. Our first homework assignment is to write about the "holes" in our lives - the areas that are painful and many times never discussed in a public setting. I know that this assignment is going to open some healing doors for me and although I am completely ready to embrace change in my life, I realize that change is never an easy process and I must begin to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually.

Change, or should I say real change, always requires that we analyze ourselves from the inside out, that we dissect and scrutinize areas in our lives where we secretly house all of our private sins and indiscretions, and many times this process is so gut wrenching and frightening that we never actually transcend the change into our open spaces - why? Simple, we do not want anyone to hold us accountable.

I am ready to start this process because I know that growth is change and I refuse to have a stagnant existence - unavailable emotionally to anyone who crosses my path and afraid to become a fully evolved women.
Before the class was over, someone said something really poignant and I think it represents why we all must change. While packing up her bible, she expressed her excitement about participating in the class and then told all of us that she was tired of having holes in her life. She said that she is now understanding how holes become generational - she sees them being replayed in the lives of her children and warned us that if you don't deal with your issues, they eat you alive and begin to consume everyone in your intimate circle.

I have no desire to carry around any more holes or to live in bondage because of issues that I am too afraid to deal with! I know that I said the next couple of posts would be about love and I think this is about love. Its about loving ourselves enough to find our true purpose and calling in life and to deal with our issues so that they do not become the downfalls of our relationships. Relationships with our mothers, our men, our children, our employers, our friends and even our relationship with God. We have to start dealing with these issues and we have to start figuring out who we are as women before we can be anything for anyone else!
We have to reclaim spaces and identities that we currently encompass and speak into existence the spaces that we will claim in our future!

Ok this Black Girl just Roared! ha!

In solidarity -

Jamila

Christian. Black Women. Feminist. Daughter. Sister. Friend and Eventual Wife. Mother. Teacher. Writer.

The Love Doctor is In!

Ok so Steve Harvey is #3 on the Barnes and Noble worldwide bestselling book list with his new book entitled, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man! I know that some of you will deny your interest in this book and then run out and buy it - especially those women desperately seeking to understand the all so complicated male psyche! Well I did not read the book - and probably will not - but since I am doing this series on love, I felt it was all too important for me to share this book with you and also engage you with a quote from Psychologist oh wait no Marriage Counselor oh wait no that's not right either?!?!? Oh yea, Comedian turned Relationship Specialist Steve Harvey!

And I quote: “There is no truer statement: men are simple. Get this into your head first, and everything you learn about us in this book will begin to fall into place. Once you get that down, you’ll have to understand a few essential truths: men are driven by who they are, what they do, and how much they make.”

“Your man knows what you want: the ultimate commitment- The Ring. He knows, too, what he needs: you. But your proposal never comes and the way your man is acting, it’s not coming anytime soon. And so, you wait. And Wait. And wait some more. Men are happy being single or unmarried because it makes us feel young and carefree. Marriage does not. Responsibility and marriage do not fit into that feeling, until all of the playing gets tired and we realize we have to be grown-ups, or something-or someone-makes us grow up.”

“To sum up, we’ve got to have these three things- support, loyalty, and sex- from you or we’re going to go.” I am starting to think that maybe the real problem with relationships is this obsession with, as Steve so eloquently put it, "the ultimate commitment - the ring." We all have seen them, those horribly unhappy married people. With too many kids and way too little love. Babies falling out of grocery carts, sitting unhappily in church, fighting over kids at parent-teacher conferences, shopping for the next station wagon at the dealership. Or maybe just the men and women that we know outside of their marriages. The married mechanic who always tries to get your number - every time you go and get an oil change! Or the married women that you work with, constantly complaining about how sexually deprived and miserable she is.

However, despite ALL of this, most women desire to get married as soon as possible! They are so ready for this commitment that they allow it to completely take over their lives! They are obsessed with it! They prowl after men like hungry psychos! What exactly are they running towards?

I am no relationship expert but if I am going to spend the rest of my life with someone it only makes sense that before I agree to such a long-haul commitment, I need to be absolutely sure that we are actually soul mates! Life partners! Friends! Have the same dreams and desires! Spending habits! Interest! If I can't stand talking to you while we are dating, why in the world would I marry you? If you tell me that you are going to do something and never come through - that should let me know how you will be in our marriage?

If I see you and you don't say "wow you look beautiful" while we are dating, I will never get that from you in a marriage. IF I DON'T FEEL SEXUALLY DRAWN TO MORE THAN YOUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE WE WILL MORE THAN LIKELY STOP HAVING SEX AFTER YOUR BODY AGES AND YOU KNOW LONGER LOOK THE SAME.

But I can't figure all of this out over night. It takes time, searching, praying! Ladies, stop searching for a man. He needs to find you. And after he finds you, take off the masks and all the lies. Be yourselves and don't even think about marriage. Think about getting to know this person. And never ever believe the hype that there are no good Black men left? Be selective. A man should pursue you and if he is a man - should approach you in a respectful way and DESIRE to be in a committed relationship with you!

Talk to you soon -

Jamila

New Black Movie Same Story!

So I haven't posted in a while but I am ready to start blogging again! Today I had the opportunity to watch TD Jakes' new movie, Not Easily Broken. Of course, I wasn't expecting cinematic genius but I was interested in seeing what 2009 would bring in terms of Black cinema.

Well, I hate to report that we are still, as a cultural group, stuck in the same stereotypical patterns that we have been in for the past decade. Of course, the main character in this movie is suffering from the fact that his wife is too career driven, too educated, too materialistic and too anti-motherhood to appreciate that she has a hard working Black man who is a Christian and would be loving father - if she would only give him his one desire, a baby "boy." Mind you I typed "boy" not "girl!"

I love the omnipresent dialogue that occurs throughout the whole film between the husband and possibly the audience or maybe God? Who knows? Either way, there is a great part in the movie where he is literally discussing the breakdown between the gender roles that Black men use to assume which have now been taken over by the ever-masculine Black super-woman figure - aka his wife. I literally wanted to break out into a horrendous laughter but there were other people in the theatre that thought this whole scene was dead on -!??!!?!

Either way, I for one am sick and tired of this same story line! AHHHHHHHHHH! Can a woman be independent, goal-oriented, career driven, desire children and RESPECT HER HUSBAND FOR THE MAN THAT HE IS? It seems that these movies only want to reinforce problematic gender roles and relationships! This is exactly why the whole idea of marriage makes me want to run and hide!

I know that there are plenty of Black women out there who have no problem balancing their working/professional lives with their home lives and that are also comfortable enough to be in a heterosexual relationship whereby they can love and respect their partner. An equal, agape love. Where there are no unspoken boundaries and both individuals feel completely and totally at peace. HMMMMM..I think my next couple of blogs will be about this "love"!

Talk to you soon!

Jamila